If I'm going down, I'm taking all you bastards(you know who you are) with me.

Everyone was right

I give up, I give up on everything except for what is there. Well nothing left to say except for, Fuck this.

Slivers hurt

It's one in the morning. Cassie beebs in and say "Hey Drew" I reply with "Hi." After a length of pity talking we get into something more serious...Drew: you know how I feel right now, right?
Cassie: I am not sure.
Drew: what do you think?Cassie: I really donno
Cassie: Enlighten me
Drew: come on you must have a little ideaCassie: I think you feel content
Cassie: for the time being
Drew: why would I feel that?
Cassie:Because I am here and always will be?
Drew: I feel regretCassie: For...
Drew: Something that eludes meCassie: Which is.
Drew: something smarter than me
Cassie: Which is.
Drew: something better than meCassie: Nothing is better
Drew: Only you could say that and mean it ever so blindly
Cassie: I am not blind I am the one watching and looking ever so clearly I hate to watch
Drew: then you would know
Drew: maybe you arn't looking in the right direction
Cassie: You would think that but I have turned away of fear of saddness
Drew: it seems that you knew what I was going to say, and answered before you read it
Cassie: I am done watching, playing and being involved in any way
Drew: what do you mean?
Cassie: I mean I am with Mitch, he is a good guy, treats me nice and I don't want to hurt him, I really like him. I don't want to hurt you so I have try to stay you friend with nothing more to follow for now.
Drew: and the last sliver of hope is gone...
God of she only knew the whole time I was talking about her, maybe she knew, maybe she didn't. All I learned is the same you learn as a child slivers hurt...

Friends (or lack there of)

Either i'm going crazy or everyone is starting to hate me here are my last two "conversations" with Dane a person who I thought was a good friend of mine: Drew: Hello?hairyductape: who is thisDrew: DrewDrew: Is this Dane?hairyductape: yeahhairyductape: my cousin drew?'Drew: From BorahDrew: Gave him a ride to the tech centerhairyductape: westenskow?Drew: yuphairyductape: whats up manDrew: Nothing much you?hairyductape: bein high with saberDrew: Dane yo bad bad kidDrew: I heard you were at the warped tourhairyductape: i knowDrew: Tod saw youDrew: where is my cigar?Drew: you still there?hairyductape: oh smoked Drew: yeah, why didn't you get me one?hairyductape: you coulda got oneDrew: Well I didn't go, and I haven't seen youDrew: you still have any left?hairyductape: no theres like 5 for 8 buckshairyductape: theres not very many of themDrew: okayDrew: what are you doing tomarrowhairyductape: workingDrew: damnithairyductape: i get off at like 4Drew: well I'm going to hang out with ben tomarow why don't you comeDrew: ?hairyductape: mmmkhairyductape: oh shit i have band practiceDrew: I'm leaving the 21stDrew: why don't we hang out when i get back?hairyductape: for yourhairyductape: faggotDrew: uncleshairyductape: assDrew: I'll be gone for 3 dayshairyductape: fuckerDrew: I'll get back on wednesdayhairyductape: oh Drew: is that okay?hairyductape: sorry that was from benhairyductape: fuckerDrew: ben is there too?hairyductape: sure drewDrew: what?hairyductape: yeahDrew: GOD DAMNITDrew: !!!!!Drew: !hairyductape: why?Drew: why what?hairyductape: why god damnit??Drew: I don't konw what's going onhairyductape: shut up slut...fuck you, you little bitchhairyductape: no one likes u dickweedDrew: in the ass?hairyductape: dude that was frombenhairyductape: mean assDrew: Damnit ben I'll burn you goodhairyductape: your gay ,your girl friend left u for mitch!ha hahairyductape: from benDrew: she dumped mitchhairyductape: mean hairyductape: they fuckedlast nightDrew: that's niceDrew: I'm happy for himhairyductape: dude your such a douchehairyductape: seriouslyDrew: and why is that?hairyductape: why the fuck do u call ppl so muchhairyductape: take a hint ass fuckhairyductape: damnit that was from ben he is an asshairyductape: sorry drewDrew: It happens I guesshairyductape: u should just fight himDrew: Nohairyductape: come on pussyDrew: That really wouldn't fix anythinghairyductape: do itDrew: nohairyductape: ur gay dudehairyductape: quit wastin ur time tryin to hang outhairyductape: with benDrew: sureDrew: heyhairyductape: heyDrew: what's up?hairyductape: nuthin u?Drew: just bloggingDrew: so how are you?Drew: ...?hairyductape: good u?Drew: I'm okay, I've been better, but guess whathairyductape: what?Drew: Igot a mowhawkhairyductape: u faggotDrew: what?hairyductape: thats gayDrew: Why?hairyductape: cuz its gay dudeDrew: Sure, I like ithairyductape: well thats goodDrew: I know, so anything new with you?hairyductape: nopeDrew: Fun, I guess?Drew: Hey, do you wanna see my hair?hairyductape: no

I don't know if you will be reading this all so I'll tell you, I'm just being friendly and all I get in return I get shit!!

Would you?

Would you care if I slit my wrists and bleed onto the floor? Even if it made me feel better? What if I took the gun in the top drawer and loaded it with the bullets on the top of the closet shelf and let the pressure out of my head? What if I took the pills in the kitchen, all of them? I feel lonely, I really can't explain what else I feel I don't know myself. I miss that touch, that breath, that single tear running from your cheek to my chest, and finally to the floor. The floor is where I sleep now, my bed makes me feel like crying, the couch brings memories of lust, but the floor it is nothing to me nothing but a reminder of days gone by, of all the words left unsaid, and those tears I have yet to shed. I'm starting to slip, I need someone to hold me. I want someone to hold me but everyone is pushing me away or running from me. Why am I not allowed to cry? Good thing the rules don't matter to me, except for the ones I put there myself. At least I haven't fallen so far down I can't get up. Hey you know what? I feel alot better now, that's not really saying much but still it's something. I'm not sorry for the ramblings, but I thought I should let you know that I know that they are there.

This Morning

Okay, I went to Spokane like a week ago. On the second to last day we went go cart racing. If you have ever gone you know what I'm talking about. But for those who haven't, the seats are a little less comfortable as sitting on a mixture of glass shards and course sand-paper, needless to say I cut my back open after sitting on it for 15 minutes and doing 30 laps. So now you can figure it hurts like a bitch to lay down, or sleep, or move, just about anything that involves the back. So I got fed up with it and this morning before I went to bed I ripped off the scab. I could feel the blood trickling down my back all night. I was kind of relaxing, but still I couldn't sleep so I got up and I could feel the little blood stream cracking on my back it was cool. Then I finally went to sleep an hour later after like three fucking sleeping pills! Man don't take those they are a waste of money they only work when you don't want to. Damn you Albertsons!

Every Reason To

I just got out of the shower, before I went in I was listening to iTunes, it's on shuffle. So right before I went in I pausesd the music at the end of the song so when I unpaused it a new song came on it was  "Every Reason To" by "From Autumn To Ashes" it goes like this.

I thought about the end today. The final chapter. The last scene. Ending what is here and what is now. And all there is to come. No hope for tomorrow, for today. Through all this talk, on how numb. There's one just out of reach. On how numb, and you bet it shows, you bet it shows. Shake downs like these get old, So now I take my heart in hand, Bleach out the shades of detriment, Branded with names that I resent, Worship on your knees again. Wear it upon my sleeve the end. Ending what is here and what is now. And all there is to come. No hope for tomorrow, for today. Through all this talk, on how numb. There's one just out of reach. On how numb, and you bet it shows, you bet it shows. Shake downs like these get old, And you bet it shows, you bet it shows. In your eyes I can see. Tomorrow out of reach. This is detachment. In your eyes I can see. Tomorrow beyond me .

This song is really hardcore and kinda shows how I'm feeling you all should listen to it.

It's 11:20

I think I just got done with talking to Cassie. The IM window is still open but nothing is coming through. This is the first time I haven't been happy or at least excited to talk to her. I don't know what that means...Why do I have to question everything? Why do I always have to try to do what's right? Why do I feel like this? Maybe I should stop dwelling...maybe I should give up. But I really don't want to. Or do I? I'm feeling lost I think I'll go see a movie to make myself feel better.

Last Night

Well to be truthfull it was the morning, I fell asleep at about two. With out anything to captivate my attention, I was left think of her, Cassie. God I miss you...I swear I could feel her flesh touch mine. I can still smell her. Maybe I'm just going crazy. I've been hugged once in the past couple of weeks, by Eli. Not even my own mother. I...I...I don't know. God help me, just make it fucking stop, please.

Found Rob

I talk to Rob today for the first time in forever. So I told him about my blog he thought it was cool, he liked my new hair cut (the fauxhawk). He gave me his web log page so I thought I would plug it for him so...http://www.livejournal.com/users/rockade/. Oh tonight I was going to go and see "The Chronicles Of Riddick" but no one would give me a ride, I'm fine with that It's only a half hour walk away, but my overprotective mother forbid me to go I mean come on I would have been home at midnight but whatever at least now I can worship satan or watch t.v. Which ever is easiest...my legs hurt anyone know how to fix that? I think I'll just take some pills, mmmm pills (droool) lol. I guess it's web surfing time... Type ya later

The lady on the chair is Alan's mom, Lisa. The girl sitting on the floor is Alan's little sister Angela (she wanted me to tell you guys her hair smells good). These guys are like my second family. Steve, the father wasn't home at the time I came over so I don't have any pictures of him yet. 

This is Alan, right here he is showing me his account on www.livejournal.com. Man he has some friends, I on the other hand I haven't even gotten a comment on any of my posts so far, I guess I should keep up a positive attitude. 

My "fun" at Alans

So today I went Alan's (his pic will be up soon) I came over to hang and get some pictures. I got a good picture of his mom Lisa but Angela (Alans' sister) won't let me have a good picture, so we'll be working on that in the coming couple of days. I'm going to try to get some pictures of Eli, he should be easy enough to get. Well that's my update for now.

Life is like a meaningless boardgame that always ends the same...-Punk Gods

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com

July 27 2004 10:49 p.m.

          Well this is my first blog, right now I don't have anything important to write about. I guess all I can do is bitch, but at least I have some good reasons to. I don't know if you really want to hear them but you are still reading... I think..., well here goes. About a month ago my girlfriend Cassie wanted a "break," this kinda took me by suprise and didn't want to let her but hey what can I do, she'll do what she wants to do anyway so opinion really doesn't matter on the subject so, I said that's okay. Of course I didn't mean it and we both know that so it's okay i guess. Anyway, so she started seeing this kid I know who I thought was my friend, apparently I was wrong. And she still is going out with him after cheating on him twice. Oh wait before you think I'm stalking her or something I should tell you that we still are pretty good "friends." So now that you know that I should tell you I love her, I really do all I can do is think of her. I know that's not healthy or right, and I try to fix it, I try to imaging myself with other people but I just can't. I still try but all it makes me want to do is kill myself to stop hurting. But I can't, I have promises to keep. Well that's all for now.

This picture inspired me to get a "fauxhawk"